Surprising My 2020 Self With What My 2021 Self Can Do
December 2021: Valley of Fire State Park, Nevada
The year of 2020 was very transformational for me, and the year of 2021 was more than I could have ever imagined. We are always growing, adapting, changing. The you of the previous year isn’t you anymore. Here at the end of the year, I chose to write about my previous self in the past tense, because she is no longer me. She did the best she would with what she had, and I send her all the love.
My 2020 self was in a world of pain, trapped in a cage she created for herself. She was quiet; she did not speak up. She suffered so much. She based her self-worth on her husband’s ability to heal. She was driven and determined, but she was also scared—all of the time. 2020 Kirsten felt broken, betrayed, and abandoned. Sometimes it took all the strength she had to just get out of bed or put food in her body.
She was afraid of every noise in her house, had the doors always locked and the alarms set. Every sound in the night kept her awake, fearful it was someone breaking in. She slept with her wallet, car keys, and house keys under the mattress, her phone in her hand in case of emergency. All the most important life documents were tucked in a safe at her father’s house. She was afraid to be in her home, but she was also afraid to leave it.
But 2020 Kirsten was also strong-willed with a fire for her own recovery. She learned that year to ask for help. She learned she couldn’t do this work on her own. As broken as she felt, 2020 Kirsten kept reaching for wholeness until she realized that wholeness was there the whole time—covered up and marred by years of shame and guilt. She didn’t have to find anything; she only had to keep digging to uncover it.
Change was gradual, hard. Not all at once, not defined differently as 2020 spilled into 2021. But without a doubt, 2020 Kirsten would be surprised to see what 2021 Kirsten is capable of.
2021 Kirsten surrendered to what is and followed her heart to find her own path. She left her career, sold her house, parted with so many belongings. 2021 Kirsten learned to sleep outside and take care of herself. She learned to reach for adventure and be willing to try new things. She leaned into being in the moment, of not planning, of finding joy in what is.
This year’s self smiled more than she ever has before. She felt challenged, strong, resilient, proud, and full of expansive joy. She felt alive.
This year, I invite you to reflect on the 2021 you and how she might be different from the 2020 you. Big changes or small. How did the 2021 you feel? How is that different from before? And why? How do you handle challenges differently? How do you react in certain situations? What are some things you learned? How has your practice of XYZ evolved or grown?
I know that my past self would be SO proud. So for my year-in-review, I offer a list of things 2021 Kirsten did that 2020 Kirsten would be surprised by! I invite you to make your own list.
Manifesting a dream life and the financial means to do it.
Leave my career job to step into the unknown.
Part with so many belongings.
Get hired by a stranger to install flooring in their home.
Travel across the country alone and start new life as she goes.
Actually trust a man again and open her heart, even if only for a temporary time.
Rock climb! And really go for it.
Canyoneer (didn’t even know this was a thing in 2020!) See my blog post about it here.
Approach strangers and make conversation. This one is huge for me! (yes, I really am that introverted, read more here).
Stop drinking pop! (which I get made fun of all the time out West using that word) As of December, I haven’t had a coke or any other caffeinated soda in half a year! It has no room in my new lifestyle.
2021 Kirsten is often still scared. Sometimes, noises in the night still keep her awake. But she no longer feels trapped; she continues to heal. She finds joy in every single day, and she can’t wait to see what 2022 brings.
